Thanks for the e-bitch slaps...

OK, so the first week of Club Half as Small as You was kind of rough. I could have done better…much better. But I didn’t do too bad. There were no Famous Amos Cookies or king-sized Snickers. And thanks to all of my fellow HASAY club members for the e-bitch slaps (they apparently have something against forks….which is fine because all the good stuff like ice-cream and pudding needs to be eaten with a spoon!!) So because of those e-bitch slap I’ve hired a personal trainer.

She’s been in the business for about 15 and a half months. And let me tell you she is TOUGH! Her take on exercise is a little …um..unique. This was our regimen for this weekend:

1.) Instead of Push-ups my trainer prefers Pull-ups (well, they’re actually Pampers Cruisers in size 4, but that’s just being technical). We do 8-10 reps every. single. day. And sometimes in the middle of the night. Let me tell ya they can get pretty dirty.

2.) My trainer is a huge fan of running. This weekend we did endless laps with increasing speed to build endurance. This is kinda how it went: living room-dining room-kitchen—kitch-dining-living—liv-din-kit—k-d-l----and faster and faster until all I saw was a blur. My personal trainer is short, but man is she fast!!!

3.) My personal trainer also realizes that physical endurance is not the only thing that needs a workout…balance is key. She also works with emotional endurance. She call this exercise Titanium Tantrums. This is how it works: If I so much as look at her-she cries, if I leave the room-she cries, if I pick her up-she cries, if I set her down-she cries…you get the picture. She’s very good at this one; we worked on it for HOURS this weekend.

4.) We also worked on strengthening my arm muscles. For this one I carry around a 26 pound weight every where I go. I can switch from arm to arm and sometimes both if I carry the weight in the middle. This one gets especially tiring since it’s a special weight that can move and shift at will.

5.) Hugs-Kisses-Bites: This little exercise is for the brain. My little personal trainer randomly switches between hugs, kisses, and bites, keeping my brain ever alert for the searing pain that maybe mixed in with the sweetest little hugs and kisses.

6.) I almost forgot the best one: The tunny-bouncer. For this one my personal trainer sits on my stomach and bounces up and down. I think she's fond of the uhhhg sound each time she bounces. This is not only good for the stomach muscles, but also for bladder control!!

So there you have it, my personal trainer’s unorthodox methods. While her methods do sound a little screwy they are working. I lost 3 pounds last week! I’m not going to lie to you it was hard…and I did wonder once or twice about hiring such a brutal trainer. But to tell you the truth, I can’t fire her….she scares me.

So to all my fellow club members: keep up the e-bitch slappin…it’s working. Good luck with your quest for the skinny….and oh yeah, pray for me I think she might kill me!!